In the spirit of the season, I thought I’d write about presence. And yes, I meant to spell it that way.
Presence has been on my mind a lot lately.
I returned to work on Monday, bidding adieu to both my maternity leave and my little boys. The transition back is strange because it’s so temporary. Any day now, once my replacement’s paperwork is complete, I’ll once again step out of my professional role as I don a new title of stay-at-home-mum. As temporary as my return to work is, I’m embracing the notion of keeping my heart where my feet are. I could think about my boys while I’m at work. I could think about all that we’re leaving behind by leaving Seattle next month, or all that awaits us upon our return to Michigan. Inevitably, I do think about my boys when others enquire about them or I’m sitting in the windowless bookroom pumping Wren’s milk ration for the next day. And I do talk about our upcoming move when colleagues ask. Beyond that, though, I’m present at school.
I soak up the professional conversations and truly enjoy every moment of the work I do. I feel grateful that colleagues enabled me to step back into my instructional coaching role, immediately approaching me for support upon my return. I’m a lame duck, but I’m still quacking. I’m there; I’m present.
After school, my presence shifts. From the moment I collect the boys from daycare, my heart is entirely with my family. Singing “The Wheels on the Bus”, playing I Spy, and weathering back seat toddler tantrums from the driver’s seat certainly help the shift along. When we arrive home and I take off my coat, I complete the shedding of my professional persona. I’m a wife and a mum. I’m ready to support a toddler’s imagination as we make cups of tea and pancakes in a play kitchen or construct an elaborate train track in the living room. I’m grateful that my boys immediately focus me on family.
While I’m in Seattle, my heart is here. Adventures await us in the Mid-West. Although I anticipate the move with mixed excitement and trepidation, my mind doesn’t wonder there too often. Right now, I’m here. Not there. We’ll enjoy the holiday season here, soaking in this beloved city and making the most we have of our time. When the time comes to leave, we’ll say our goodbyes and I’ll be ready to shift my focus to a new home. Such presence used to be a struggle for me. Living in the moments as they came without looking too far back or too far forward was hard. What a beautiful gift this is that I’ve found for myself this year.
To Palimpsest 